How to Accept Your Partner’s Past

While it’s not always easy, accepting your partner’s past is part of any relationship. Whether you’re hung up on their past relationships or concerned about mistakes they’ve made, try to remain objective. Remember that everyone has baggage, and you can’t erase the past. Aside from major red flags, like cheating on all of their exes or a history of violence, give them the benefit of the doubt. Focus on how your partner treats you in the present, and work on developing a trusting relationship with them.

Learn to recognize obsessive, black-and-white thoughts and catch yourself when you’re jumping to conclusions. It’s one thing to think about your partner’s past or experience emotions about it. However, try to identify when your thoughts race or if you take a past event out of context.

Emotions such as anger, sadness, and jealousy are normal. For instance, it’s normal to be sad or cry about something bad your partner did in the past. If you’re jealous or insecure about your partner’s ex, it’s okay to vent to a loved one about it.
On the other hand, try not to obsess over your partner’s past relationships, scour their exes’ social media accounts, or dwell on a minor mistake they made years ago.

When you notice intrusive or irrational thoughts, question them. Remind yourself to stay objective, look at facts, and chip away at irrational suspicions.

For example, suppose you’re suspicious that your partner isn’t over their ex, but there isn’t any actual evidence. Ask yourself whether you’re being reasonable if you start dwelling on your jealousy, thinking the worst of your partner, or obsessively looking over their ex’s social media profiles.
Tell yourself, “Stop. It’s normal to feel jealous, but I need to manage my thoughts and actions. I can’t control my partner or their past, but I can control my reaction. They haven’t given me any reason not to trust them, and I’m jumping to conclusions.”
If you have suspicions, it’s better to be honest with your partner instead of convincing yourself of the worst.

Vent your feelings to a loved one, and ask them for a fresh perspective. They can help you figure out whether the issue is a matter of your perception or a legitimate cause for concern. Confide in someone who’s objective, and keep in mind anything you say may influence that person’s opinion of your partner.

For example, suppose your parents are already on the fence about your partner. Talking to them about your partner’s flaws could just worsen their opinion. If you work things out and accept with your partner’s past, your parents could still resent your partner, and you’d be caught in the middle.

See a therapist if you’re not sure how to handle your partner’s past. If you have trouble coming to terms with your partner’s past or managing your feelings, an individual or couples counselor can help. They can offer a fresh perspective on your relationship and, if necessary, address broader trust issues.